Tuesday, March 13

GOOOOOD MOR-NING CEEE-DARRR FAAaaaaaalllllllsss...

This morning was not unlike any other morning. My alarm woke me, reminding me of my responsibility to walk the dog. Upon reflection, it's interesting I am the one responsible for said dog considering I was the last person game for this additional family member.

At any rate. Brace yourselves:

Daisy and I mosey onto the sidewalk, avoiding any obviously super slippery spot of the ice covered snow. Mission accomplished. As I was testing the slipperiness of the sidewalk, I noted a guy standing in my across-the-street-neighbor's driveway. Woopdeedoo.

Patient Master that I am, Daisy sniffs the ground surrounding both sides of our sidwalk. Tinkle here, nose nudge there. Hound dog.

Meanwhile, sans spectacles, I still note this peculiar individual standing in my neighbor's driveway. While Daisy and I slowly make our way up the walk, I continue observing this man now teetering this way and that, something obviously in his hand. Is he from the city? Spray painting? Marking something?

No.

Surveying? What the hell is he doing?

No glasses. Remember?

Oh. My. God. Oh my god. Ohmygod. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

After noting the man's penis being pulled within his mighty grips I hustled my ass back to my house.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD...

He's not following me. Right?

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod...my kids my kids my kids my kids my...

I grabbed the phone. 911. Moving slowly toward the window in the kitchen I confirm the make and model of the getaway car. Although it's not like he was quick to get out of there. He slowly stumbled toward the car parked in the neighboring alley. It took him a moment before he reversed down the opposite way?

Possessing a lot of unanswered questions, traumatized, I go on with my day. I answer the door to inquiring fuzz, divulging all I know. All before 7:15 this morning.

How'd you start your day?

5 comments:

Me & My PPPs said...

CREEPY! Did the cops catch the perp? Or should I say perv? I can't believe that happened to you in safe, family friendly CF. Good thing you've got your trusty hound dog to keep you and the kids safe. Nothing like that has happened to me in Chicago (yet!) Although just this week in our neighborhood a homeless woman started fires in four apartment buildings, killing four people. So I might prefer a pervy stranger groping himself to a psycho-fire-starting-homeless-lady.

IowaJasper said...

This reminds me of a Judy Blume book (I can't for the love recall the name) but the main character actually enjoyed the show she received and he came back a few more times. Leave it to Judy Blume! My mom read the blog this am and quote "I wouldn't want to mess with Emily." Good luck perv man!

keepin it real since 1975 said...

I believe the man to have been drunk. Just got done boozin on a bender.

What puzzles me to no end is what in the WORLD would provoke a person to park their car and go into a driveway to [insert your own verb here].

I deduce this as totally random...but not to minimize. The neighbors know and now our senses are all heightened. Great opportunity to refresh my kids' awareness of stranger danger.

Tara n' Josh said...

Scary, Em! I thought we had it rough being next to Colfax and seeing the occasional hooker and/or client. You did the right thing by calling the police. I hope they find the perv.

julie said...

i laugh when i read this story because i can so clearly see you in your state of freaked-out-ness running inside saying "ohmygodohmygodohmygod!"
thanks for the visual!