Holy basic plus

Because my cousin is playing ball for the Hawks, Jon and I opted to expand our cable viewing to allow for the Big Ten Network in order to cheer on mi primo as he rallies on at Iowa. With the BTN, as they say, comes a slew of other channels that I have familiarized myself with, yes, but never viewed in the comforts of my own home ever.

Where do I begin?

Last night was my first exposure. I am still coming down from the bizarre ride of surfing through our some-eighty-plus channels.

As the Hawks would go to a time-out, the first channel I landed on was MTV. What I witnessed was not The Real World of my time. I'm watching Ashli, with an i, address herself as very single and ready to mingle!

Insert index finger to furthest reaches of throat to induce vomiting.

My mouth dropped. I continued watching, stunned. Flirting is the understatement of the century as she engaged in an exchange with tousled meat-and-potatoes Dunbar. Apparently this vixen replaced some other cast member with a Gaelic name spelled phonetically. No offense.

Continuing to flip from channel to channel as the Hawks went on to beat Northern Colorado, I found myself in sheer facination with all the reality shows available on pretty much every other cable channel. I wound up watching, observing, marveling, finding myself grimmacing, at the program The Real Housewives of Orange County. Once I got passed a gaggle of sisters competing in a "road test" in a Hummer they could hardly see over the dash in, I found myself far more nauseated by these women and their families than any of the cast members of The Real World. Then again, I suppose the tarts on TRW will be the next generation of Orange County "real" housewives.

Then there was Donald Trump's Pageant Place. Christ.

I am a woman in possession of a few guilty pleasures. What better an escape when the kids are in bed, fast asleep so they won't so much as hear the disgraceful programming I choose to watch, the dishes are done, homework is read, papers are written, than to sink deeply into my couch and flip from MTV to E! to Bravo to VH1 to...to...to...oh yeah, I also caught my very first glimpse of Project Runway. I love gay guys.

And that was just the first day.